Sex and Consent
Women with disability have the right to have enjoyable sex, to choose when they want to have sex and who with.
On this page you can learn about sex and consent and how to get support.
Watch the Monash University video (external link) about consent:
Tip: Click the subtitles button in the bottom right hand corner of the video to turn closed captions on and off.
What is sex?
Most people think of sex as penetrative sex, which is when something (like a penis or a sex toy) goes inside someone else's mouth, vagina or anus, but there are lots of ways to have sex. Different types of sex include:
- vaginal sex (a penis inside a vagina)
- oral sex (mouth on a penis or vagina)
- anal sex (a penis in a bottom)
- fingering or hand jobs (fingers in a vagina or on a penis)
- masturbation (touching your own genitals for pleasure)
- using sex toys, like vibrators for self-pleasure (this is called masturbating)
People use many different words for having sex. The most common are ‘making love’ or ‘having sex'.
People with disability have a right to have sex and feel good about it. There are also lots of other ways to be intimate in a relationship without having sex. For example, holding hands, cuddling and kissing.
Remember! Sex should only happen when everyone involved wants to have sex and gives ongoing consent. It is against the law to have sex with someone without their consent.
Adjustments for people with a disability
Despite a common assumption that people with disability are asexual or do not have sex, having a disability does not change your sexuality and your sexual desires. It's normal, healthy and natural to want to have sex. There are ways to make sex safer, more comfortable and enjoyable with a disability.
Fact: Many people with disability can and do have sex. One of the biggest barriers to expressing your sexuality can often be what other people think.
Some people with disability may be concerned about having sex due to limited movement, fatigue or pain. But this does not mean they cannot have sex. Some things that can help make sex more enjoyable include:
- using sex toys like vibrators for pleasure
- using sex aids for comfort and accessibility (e.g using a foam wedge to support you and your partner physically)
- talking to a sex therapist about personalised adjustments you can make to accomodate your disability during intimacy
- talking about your feelings and needs with the person you want to have sex with before having sex
What is consent?
Sexual consent is when people freely agree that they want to have sex, and specifically what kinds of things they want to do during intimacy.
Consent can be verbal – like someone saying ‘yes’ when you ask if they want to have sex, or it can be non-verbal – like someone nodding their head or giving a thumbs up in response to a clear question about whether they want to have sex.
Someone who is affected by drugs or alcohol or is unconscious can not legally give consent.
Remember!
Having sex with someone without their consent is a form of sexual violence and it is against the law. Sex without consent is called sexual assault or rape and is a serious criminal offence.
You can learn more about what sexual violence is on the What is Violence? page.
What should consent look like in healthy relationships?
Consent should be ongoing - someone can ask to stop at any point during intimacy. A good way to check in with someone about this is to ask questions like "would you like to keep going?".
Consent should be enthusiastic! Everyone should be enjoying having sex. If someone looks confused, tense or scared at any point during intimacy - they are not giving enthusiastic consent.
Consent should be informed - you should communicate about what you are going to do, and what you like and don't like before and during intimacy.
The best way to ensure you have consent is to keep asking questions and listening carefully to what the other person is saying both verbally and non-verbally.
Good sex requires good communication! You can learn more about talking about sex at https://sexualityanddisability.org/having-sex/talking-about-sex/
Boundaries
Having boundaries in sexual relationships means having rules about what is and isn't ok for people to do to you. Clearly communicating your boundaries helps makes intimacy safer and more comfortable for everyone.
Everyone has the right to set their own boundaries and to have these respected by others. For example, some people may not like to be touched at all. Everyone has different boundaries for different people. These can change over time. Just because you've been physically intimate with someone once, doesn't automatically mean you or they want to be intimate again. This is why it is important to always ask for consent before physically touching someone.
To learn more about understanding and setting boundaries you can go to https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/how-to-set-sexual-boundaries
Sex and the law
Each state in Australia has laws that say you must be over a certain age before you can consent to having sex. This is called the “age of consent”.
In Tasmania and South Australia, the age of consent is 17 years. In every other state and territory, the age of consent is 16 years.
It is against the law for someone to have sex with you if:
- you are under the age of consent
- they are a close family member, like a parent or sibling
- they are a support person or staff member, like a carer, therapist, doctor or teacher.
You also cannot give consent if:
- you are being pressured or forced to have sex
- you are asleep or unconscious
- you have had too much alcohol or drugs
- you do not understand what you are saying yes to.
Sex Therapists and Sex Workers
If you need support to have sex you can talk to a sex therapist or pay for services from a sex worker.
Sex therapists - talk to individuals and couples to help solve any problems that are impacting on their sex lives. This may include anxiety and stress, as well as physical difficulties, such as having a low sex drive. Sex therapists and other types of therapists can also help people who have experienced sexual assault to recover from sexual assault trauma, and to work towards accessing sexual intimacy in a way that feels safe and enjoyable.
Tip: You can find a sex therapist online or in your state on the Society of Australian Sexologists website (external link).
Sex workers – are workers who offer sex and sexual experiences to people in exchange for money or other things of value.
People with disability have the same rights to access sex work services as everyone else. For many people with disability, accessing a sex worker can be therapeutic and beneficial for their health.
Note: Sex work is illegal in some states in Australia. You can find out more about the laws in your state or territory on the Scarlett Alliance website (external link).
Did you know?
Touching Base is an organisation that links people with disability with trained disability sex workers in Australia. Learn more on the Touching Base website (external link).
The NDIS and sex
The National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) currently only supports access to sex therapy, but not sex work. If you are an NDIS participant, and you want to access supports to help you have sex, you should talk directly to the NDIS about this.
Tip: You can learn more about what the NDIS covers on the National Disability Insurance Scheme website (external link).