Energy is a life force – probably ‘the’ life force. Without it, there is no joy, no motivation, no pleasure in conceiving, planning, executing life. The world goes on, but the energy lack holds me back from it. My mind strives to follow the issues, the actions, the people, the interchanges, the politics, the outcomes.

No-one else in an energy-filled milieu can hold-off long enough to allow me to ‘catch-up’.

The energy loss in my life is a direct result of the disabling condition of renal failure (kidneys that no longer work). The associated effects of this condition are all-pervasive in my life. My feelings, my concentration, my ability to walk, talk, think clearly, control emotions and most importantly, my energy for living is reduced. This is a disabling process and is not always visible. The energy loss is a direct effect of the condition. The treatment (removal of fluid and toxins from my blood stream by dialysis on a ‘kidney machine’ three days per week) further enhances the loss of vital energy. The process is draining and debilitating (even affecting eye-sight, clarity of thought, ability to stand, walk, breathe, hear and speak). These effects vary but the impact on energy levels, and hence in life, the expression of this energy is dramatic. I feel restricted by rest, supportive care and the energy of many others.

The loss of real energy reduces me. I feel a dependent person. I don’t feel whole. As a whole woman, I have aims, goals pleasures to follow. These are continually accomplished too slowly or not at all. Not for lack of mental desire, or drive, but for lack of restorative energy. I want my body to keep pace with my mind. I would love to “trap” some of the wasted energy – that which my sisters don’t want or need, or value too lightly. To be whole as a being – to be one with active and energetic sisters. To take life as the fight, the battle, the challenge that must be fought.

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This story first appeared in Women and Disability – An Issue. A Collection of writings by women with disabilities. The booklet was produced by the Melbourne based Women with Disabilities Feminist Collective in the late 1980’s. The exact publishing date is unknown.