The sun's brilliant disc hangs in a cyan blue sky; the weather is beautiful. It's nearly the end of the year, where festive vibes dominate, and people are indulging a long-awaited break. There are parties happening, people talking excitedly and glasses clinking.

Yet I carry a terrible, secretive burden like a weight around my neck.

Despite the great atmosphere, every summer a few weeks before Christmas, I get immensely sad. I don't tell anyone because I sound ungrateful - like I'm taking good times for granted. For a long time, I couldn't grasp why - if everything was alright – was I so down?

It’s because there isn't an external reason - it's Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder or RSAD – an innate biochemical discord in response to summer (instead of winter) that exists in a small percentage of the population.

Basically, the way I feel is bizarre. It sounds esoteric and cryptic, but I start getting sad about everything slowing down, shops shutting, thinking of lonely people and less people on the street etc. I counsel myself, thinking I've made it through, then gradually I develop a crushing sadness that leaves me tired and bored no matter what - almost unable to absorb the joy around me. It robs me of festive cheer. I can never handle stark lighting, period. I even prefer darkness to light, sometimes not turning on house lights until it's night-time. It only occurs from about November to February. As March kicks in it seems to dissipate. RSAD is the closest explanation I have for this, considering my joy and sadness dichotomy occurs with cyclical weather patterns.

According to my online research people with either major depression or standard depression can experience RSAD or “summertime blues.”The latter is slightly different, being more psychological than biochemical. In any case, largely because of biochemical disruption to serotonin levels, people possessing depression are more susceptible to RSAD. I suffer major depression and am neurodiverse, so this could be a precursor to RSAD in my case. SometimesI have both emotional triggers and biochemical responses, which can be confusing. I must decipher between them both so I can work out how to manage.

I used to brush this off as my response to Christmas time -streets getting quieter; shops temporarily shutting; nothing open - or just being depressed. I didn't want to take medication for a short period of time either, so I made myself transcend this sadness by pretending it wasn't there, keeping it secret, and telling myself it wasn't real. This is ableist, I know, but sadness was the thief of fun and my precious time, so I tried to ignore it. People still don't understand so perhaps it's best left in the closet until there's more known about it. In a way it sounds ungrateful, too. How do you explain that you take nothing for granted and this state of mind is a mismatch of your personality?

I also have an aversion to intense light or photophobia. I've tried lying in a dark room, but it gets impractical when you've got things to do. I’ve read that water immersion is good for this condition too. That's where you head to the beach later in the day or have a bath in darkness with low lighting. It's uncanny that my symptoms of RSAD drew me to water. It’s scientifically proven that negative ions exist naturally in many places, including where water collides – known as the Lenard effect. Current research I’ve read supports claims that negative ions can counter low mood for some people. I've found myself standing in beach water while it's raining, feeling absolute joy. It's like my body is quenching its thirst and releasing endorphins simultaneously.

Some of my symptoms aren’t mentioned in the research I’ve found, though. For example, I get a fervent high before my RSAD onset, almost like a manic episode … but on a much lesser scale.

Come summertime, without fail, my low mood returns. I'm all set for a summer wind down and then can't absorb the joy around me.

To anyone out there who feels enduring sadness in warmer weather, I suggest you investigate RSAD more. Especially if you have symptoms that appear unfathomable and idiosyncratic. And while it appears research is scant it is my understanding that, as with other neurological functions such as autism and ADHD, symptoms can vary from person to person. It could be that you have RSAD and don’t realise it.

So ... if you are wondering why you're so gloomy when the sun's shining … this “ungratefulness” has a name and, most importantly, some possible remedies.

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